come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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