The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
