The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
