Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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