tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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