i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
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