Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
