I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
