so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why do cheetos always look like penises
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
