You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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