Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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