Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
