Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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