the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
