Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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