I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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