living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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