I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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