Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
