mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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