got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
