i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
