But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
