After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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