Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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