I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
