Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
