If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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