She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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