im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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