Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
