how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
