i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
