Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
