So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
