Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
