The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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