I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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