why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
