The police scanner is talking about you again....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
