omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
two words: eviction party
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
