i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My penis needs a shock collar
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
