you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
