i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
