If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
