Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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