3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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