shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
