So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
