first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
