My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
